How Friends Can Give Support

Friends play a key role in supporting friends who have been victimized. You are often the first person a victim will go to because you are a trusted individual. We hope that the following information helps both you and your friend through this difficult time. There are many on and off-campus resources for you and your friend, so please don't hesitate to contact them!

Common reactions of people who have experienced violence or abuse

The trauma of being victimized often results in long-lasting effects. Each person reacts differently to trauma. Below are some of the feelings a victim might be experiencing:

• Shock, disbelief, numbness, withdrawal
• Preoccupation with thoughts and feelings about the assault/event
• Unwanted memories, flashbacks, and/or nightmares
• Intense emotions: anger, fear, anxiety, depression
• Physical symptoms: sleep disturbance, headaches, stomach aches
• Inability to concentrate, lower grades
• Loss of interest in sex
• Fears about safety
• Feelings of guilt and shame

How to help your friend

Be supportive
Carefully listen to your friend and believe what she or he is telling you. It is important to remain non-judgmental. Your friend has chosen you as a trusted resource person. You are a step in their healing process. Put her or his needs first.

Do not press for details and let your friend decide how much she or he is comfortable telling you. Each person will react to abuse or harassment in her or his own way. Tell your friend she or he has done the right thing by coming to you for help.

Refer your friend to services
Help your friend identify helpful resources. Seeking assistance from any resource must always be the survivor's choice - don't badger or force the person to seek additional help. Your friend may need help deciding whether to seek medical or counseling assistance or make a report to law enforcement. You can offer to go with your friend to any of the services. Additionally, you can provide your friend with a list of options from resources on this site.

Confidentiality
Assure your friend that she or he can trust you. It is important not to share information about the assault with others who are not involved. Get your friend's permission to share information. Let him or her know what information you are going to share and with whom.

Special considerations for helping a friend that was sexually assaulted

It is extremely important that you listen to and believe your friend, that you respect the time and space it may take for them to heal and that you ask how you can help. It is important that you let your friend know that the assault was not her or his fault.

Do not ask questiosn that may imply that the assault was your friend's fault, such as "Did you go to his room?" or "Were you drinking?"

Encourage your friend to seek medical treatment, counseling services, and to report the incident to the police. While it is good to encourage your friend to do these things, it is just as important to let her or him make the decision. Your friend's power and control has been taken away and by allowing your friend to make these decisions, it helps her or him to regain that power and control.

If your friend makes the decision to pursue assistance, you can offer to accompany your friend in seeking medical attention, counseling, or going to the police.

Remember to also take care of yourself. Having a friend that has been sexually assaulted can be very difficult. You may also need information, resources, and support; these are all available for you as well as your friend.

Special considerations for helping a friend that is in a violent relationship

• It is extremely important that you listen to and believe your friend, that you respect the time and space she or he may need, and that you ask how you can help.
• It can be difficult trying to support your friend, because she or he may not recognize the abusive nature of the relationship.
• You can express your concern about your friend's safety, but remember to offer support whether your friend decides to stay in the relationship or leave the relationship. You don't want to isolate your friend even further!
• Encourage your friend to seek counseling services and/or medical treatment or police assistance if appropriate.
• Don't put yourself in danger; you can call 911 if you feel you or your friend is in immediate danger.
• Remember to take care of yourself. It can be very hard to try to support someone in an abusive relationship. You may also need information, resources, and support; these are all available for you as well as your friend.

Special considerations for helping a friend that is being stalked, cyberstalked, or harassed

• It is extremely important that you listen to and believe your friend and that you ask how you can help. Being stalked or harassed can be a scary experience.
• It is important to acknowledge how traumatic this can be and not make light of what is happening.
• Encourage your friend to discontinue contact with the person that is harassing and/or stalking her or him.
• Encourage her or him to consider seeking counseling, making a police report, or reporting to the Office of Judicial Affairs (if the stalker is a student).
• Having a friend that is being stalked or harassed can be very scary. You may also need information, resources, and support; these are all available for you as well as your friend.

Grant statement: This project was supported by grant # 2005-WA-AX-0020 awarded by the Violence Against Women Office, Office of Justice Programs, U.S. Department of Justice. Points of View in this document are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the official position or policies of the U.S. Department of Justice.

Last updated 03/29/2007